Monday, April 20, 2020

Chapter 2 ~ Only 76 days into the book, but so far so GOOD!!!



     After being with the same person for 26 years, 
exploring the dating world was not an easy task...  
Being single at 48 yrs old 
is not easy!!!
Meeting a man that is not looking for SEX 
is nearly impossible... 

At our age, SERIOUSLY... 
There's MORE to life than sex, 
I'm sorry but there is! 

A good friend, who is also a young widow, 
told me you have to kiss a lot of frogs 
before finding your prince... 

SO CLICHE
But 100% the truth

Dating was a JOKE!!!! 

Most men in their late 40's 
& early 50's still act like horny teenagers. 

I learned the term, 
"Ghosted" 
very quickly. 
I also learned that 
you cannot trust someone 
to sit in your vehicle for 
10 minutes without being practically raped. 
It has really been an eye opener 
 ...this new world of dating
It wasn't like this back in the early 90's
Things are VERY different
I am VERY Naive... 

     I was frustrated with this new life to say the least... 

and one thing that I've done since 
Jeff passed is
~ I still texted him. 
(His number is no longer active

I texted him on February 2, 2020
I told him that this dating world SUCKS 
and that I am feeling so damn defeated.

And that very afternoon, 
I started chatting with a man named Mike. 
I do feel that Jeff 
had a hand in me meeting 
an amazing person...

We texted 
all day, 
all night, 
everyday until the day 
we met in person

February 9th 
(a full moon)

I was nervous as hell. 
More nervous than the previous dates, 
this one felt... 
...well
DIFFERENT

It felt different from the very beginning. 
I think it was because he is 
 a genuine (divorced) man 
looking for someone to spend his time with... 
And not an asshat looking for sex! 
What a difference 
that can make 
in dating someone! 

We had an amazing First Date!
Enjoyed a great bottle of 
Justin Cabernet Sauvignon
(I was not a Cab person, but it is now my absolute 
FAVORITE wine!!!) 

Mike & I had an instant connection.  
We are both at a point in our lives where neither 
one of us are playing games... 
just looking for a mate to spend time with... 
and it feels amazing!! 
I did't know I was capable of loving again. 
thought 
I was completely broken. 
But I can, and I am LOVING again. 
And my broken pieces are slowly being put back 
together!!!

Only 76 days into the book, 
but so far so GOOD!!! 



Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Originally Drafted 3-4-19

I didn't die.
I lived.
A piece of my heart and soul will always remain with my late husband.
But the bottom line is that I didn't die.
He did.
The life we had together reached its final chapter.
The dreams we hadn't gotten around to processing will forever remain unfilled.
But yet, I am still alive. 
My life is forever changed. 
My grief isn't more or less than that of anyone else going through a similar trauma. It is simply different. It is uniquely mine. Just as every relationship is different, the grief at the end of every relationship is different. Sometimes my grief sits quietly in the background, acting as a silent observer of my life. Sometimes my grief is a turbulent ocean, and it is ALL I can do to keep swimming... to keep breathing... to keep my head above the grief.
But I do.
Not because I'm special or because I'm strong, but because I am the owner of my grief. My grief isn't any more valuable than the next person's.
But it is unique.
It's mine.
My pain is soul shattering.
It can be so devastating that at times the level reaches beyond pain and turns to mind numbing calmness. It's allowed me to notice pain in others. It's provided me with more tolerance for perceived issues while at the same time less patience in dealing with nonsense. It's allowed me to see that the childhood adage that "Life's not fair," was one of the truest lessons we learned. And that it is a lesson we are continuing to learn. Life may not be fair, but the only one I can live is mine. And so I do.
I've learned the dangers of the what-ifs.
What if I had noticed something?
What if I had checked on him?
What if I had acted differently, or spoken differently, or loved differently, or had just done it all differently?
Would he still be here?
Would we still be writing our story?
Or would the outcome be the same? Yet different. Because we would have been different. Our relationship would have been different. In indulging this line of thought, I negate the very things that made us, "us". Life happens. 
What if it had been me instead of him? I'd want him to continue on and create a life rich enough for both of us. To experience more of the dreams. To know joy and happiness...
I'd want him to continue his story.
While keeping the chapters that were us.
And letting go of enough to create chapters that don't contain me, yet somehow in my own vain way, may remind others that I existed. That I mattered. That our chapters were worthy of the pages they are written on.
And so I will wake up to face another morning.
I will smile at people I see.
I will watch elderly couples holding hands and know that it will never be us.
And I will continue on.
I will embrace new opportunities and chances.
I will try to live a life worth living for both of us. 
Because once again, I have changed.
I have grown.
I am moving in a new scary direction.
Not down a path I would have chosen on my own, but one that I was tossed upon, and am learning to navigate, one twist and turn at a time...

https://www.ee-fh.com/m/obituaries/Jeffrey-Oldaker/Memories
Originally drafted on 3-4-2019

On Thursday Jeff Oldaker went to heaven. I'm pretty sure most everybody knows this now and I'm not blindsiding anyone. My heart is completely shattered. My world is forever changed. Jeff was very active and only in his 40's, and he suffered a fatal heart attack. Thank you everyone for all your kinds words! Hug your family tight, you never know when it'll be the LAST TIME.......

Monday, October 31, 2016

APPROVED, Finally!!!


Jeff came home from work on a HOT August afternoon
and grabbed the mail like he always does. 

I'm sitting at the table out by the pool on our gorgeous deck. 
He goes inside, 
then comes out with a letter in his hand. 
When I saw the size of the envelope, 
I instantly {Hoped} knew exactly what it was. 
And when he handed it to me 
I just froze...
I let it sit a few minutes before opening it...

Let me back up for a minute.
I stalk my mailman.
When I hear him driving down our street
I almost ALWAYS meet him at the curb 
...and he knows why
He saw me outside by the pool, 
we both waived. 
But this time he did something unusual, 
he honked when he put the mail in the mailbox...  
It was his way of telling me he just delivered 
what I had been waiting for... 
Knowing Jeff would be pulling in at any moment, 
I just waited for him to get it.

I WAS SCARED,
I KNEW IT WAS HERE

So there I sit with the letter in front of me.
Hesitant to open it BUT dying to know the outcome...

DEEP BREATH 

Jeff, in the meantime, has walked away 
giving me time to read it. 
He could tell when he handed it to me that I was stunned...
I open it...
 I don't even bother to pull the entire letter out. 
I just look at the top of page 2. 
BECAUSE I KNOW  
exactly where the decision is...

I screamed, "YES" 
so loud my neighbor's could hear it!!!
...and then I started to cry.
Jeff knew right then and there that I was approved, 
he came over and hugged me. 
I just sobbed in his arms for about 15 minutes.

FINALLY...
after nearly a 6 year battle.

I have been approved for Social Security Disability...
It only took 3 lawyers, 2 court dates and going to 
FEDERAL COURT 
for a "Fully Favorable" decision on Aug 26, 2016.
AND...
It is approved all the way back to 2011. 
It will be one hell of a payday when we receive that check.
THAT CHECK
has blood, sweat, tears
and nearly a divorce written all over it.
That check 
is something that Jeff and I deserve after all that we've been through with these disease's. 

I CAN FINALLY EXHALE...



Saturday, January 18, 2014

~Denied

~ Social Security Disability Income


On January 13th I received my SSDI decision in the mail.

DENIED...

AGAIN...

The next step is to either file a claim with the federal courts or refile (start the process all over again, but with a November 2012 filing date versus a February 2011 start date {original} ). 

Right now I'm thinking that refilling is my best bet, as I was denied benefits again because they did not take into consideration all the problems I was left with after my Oct. 2011 brain surgery.
I have several issues from that surgery alone. Not to mention the 7 previous brain surgeries prior to Oct. 2011. 16 surgeries in all. 8 brain & 8 spine &/or abdominal surgeries. I am seeing several new Dr's now, with God only knows how many NEW Dx's I have. 
When I filed in Feb. 2011 it was everything up to that point. After February, I had several more "FAILED" surgeries and a devastating October 2011 surgery that left me and my family in a very difficult time.

So since October 2011 several things have happened with my health. My new brain shunt is for the most part "stable" it's all the problems due to all the surgeries, medications and psychological issues that left me with what is killing me now. 

{I still suffer from headaches daily, don't get me wrong. Especially when there's a weather front moving in. But it's something that I have learned to deal with as best as I can, even if it means a day in bed just to deal with the pain} 

I just don't want to keep messing around with the settings like my previous Neurosurgeon did and end up with overdrawn ventricles again.

One of the hardest things I've had to over come is losing my family and friends. I've become so isolated, due to my health and the fact that people just don't "believe" what I'm going through is REAL because on the outside I look like a normal person, but it's a war going on inside my body and mind...

~All Day

~Every Day