Thursday, May 16, 2013

~ Life's Perfect Storm

I was starting to get the hint that maybe my body was pissed off at me for how I had been living my life; that perhaps my body was done "whispering" when I wasn't listening. 
And it began to SCREAM...

That's when Life's Perfect Storm hit

~ They say when your life falls apart, you either GROW or grow a tumor ~

In January 2012, I decided that I was done manifesting my mental, emotional and physical afflictions.
 And instead of growing more tumors, I chose to GROW!

GROWING meant meeting my inner pilot light. My inner pilot light that suddenly flamed one day. A heated voice from within that started to guide me to the life I was meant to endure. 

A heated voice that told me to, "Strip off those masks I've been wearing my whole life. Stop selling myself short. Stop trying to please everyone. Stop pressuring myself to be perfect. And quit apologizing for who I really am!" I knew deep down that this voice was my intuition, and if I don't listen to it now, I will probably end up alone. No marriage and a daughter who wishes she'd never knew me. 

So I listened...

Took a Leap...

Took the Prescription...
To find a Psychologist I like and to see her frequently. To get pissed off at the people who sexually abused me as a child. To get on with MY LIFE! To NOT look back. To STOP caring about the needs of others while neglecting my own. The prescription was to move the fuck on... 

Everyday I asked my inner pilot light what my body needed in order to heal and everyday I did exactly what my inner pilot light prescribed. 

~It was medicine on my terms~

I starting the healing process of:
Re-kindling my marriage.
Mending a mother daughter relationship.
Not looking back.
Started to BELIEVE in myself for the first time in my life.
Starting "The Plan."
Starting a running program.
Kicking to the curb "My Ugly Childhood" & Moving on for the first time in my life.
Realizing that those who "claim" to be Christians are anything but.

And when I listened to my inner pilot light and had the guts to follow through on my prescription~ 
seemingly incurable thoughts/images suddenly disappeared!

I am happy, for the first time in my life, I am TRULY happy!
I have a lot of healing to do
I'm nowhere close to being "cured"
But I have gotten thus far in 16 months, I can only imagine the happiness my future holds. 
A future with the most amazing husband and daughter one could ask for!

~But medicine on MY terms has so far proven to be the best treatment~
Seeing a Psychologist weekly, proper nutrition and exercise has provided me concrete evidence that the body is equipped with innate self-repair mechanisms. That Moving on IS possible. I'm not saying that I'm not on any medications, because I definitely am... But removing myself from my past has also helped more than I can say.  But the power of nutrition & exercise has surpassed any medications I've been on thus far. 

~I am not my past~
In December 2012, I was referred to a NeuroPsychologist.


I saw one {Ironically} in 2005 BEFORE my 8 brain surgeries.
 In 2005 my Neurologist sent me to a NeuroPsych after learning of my childhood sexual abuse. He wanted to make sure I wasn't, "Making these headaches up." My results were normal. This year I repeated those same tests, and had dramatically different results. So much of the chemical makeup of my brain has changed from several surgeries. The Frontal Lobe of the brain is in control of many functions. Many functions that were not working for me after 8 frontal lobe surgeries. 16 Surgeries in all that affected my brain, and suddenly I started slipping away into another person in 2011. I have what is called Dissociative Fugue. I never heard of it before, but when my Psychologist gave Jeff & I the information. It was like an "ah-ha" moment... Things were happening that I could not control.
Memories that I do not hold, even still to this day.
And after my last brain surgery in Oct '11, our lives absolutely fell apart.
But after getting confirmation from my NeuroPsychologist that I was not in control of what I was doing,
due to all the frontal lobe damage,
 Jeff put that terrible part of our life at rest and dismissed our "pending" divorce.

I learned through therapy
 that this can happen to an adult who suffers from childhood sexual abuse and never receives the help they need. I buried my life in my work, I worked full time until I was unable to work any longer due to the surgeries.
It will take something very wrong for me to have brain surgery again... All the brain damage, losing my job, 2 best friends and almost losing Jeff & Tiffany was not worth it. I still struggle with the headaches. I deal with it now as best as I can.

 The past cannot be changed, but the future holds PROMISE!!! 

I was starting to get the hint that maybe my body was pissed off at me for how I had been living my life; that perhaps my body was done whispering when I wasn't listening. And it began to SCREAM...
The Storm, at long last, has  finally lifted.

Finally ~
There's an end to every storm
Once all the tree's have been uprooted
Once all the houses have been ripped apart
The wind will hush~
The clouds will part~
The rain will stop~
The sky will clear in an instant
and only then~ in those quiet moments
after the storm do we learn~
WHO was strong enough to