Monday, February 20, 2012


If you've read my journey to date, you are aware that I had a very rough end to 2010.  And a not so great 2011.  9 surgeries between the two years and a lot of antidepressant drugs to keep from falling too far into depression.  My disease finally took my job away from me, and that was a ROUGH pill to swallow.  I had enjoyed working ever since I was 16.  To not work is a whole new ballgame to me...

2011 started out rough with  2 failed surgeries in Nov. & Dec. 2010.  The ventricles in my brain failing to support my brain shunt any further.  Reverting back to [another] Lumbar Shunt. Surgery after surgery in 2011.  I sometimes joked about being an Anesthesia "junkie" it seemed I was having more surgeries than not... I had actually became a familiar face to the preoperative holding area.  People new my name.  It was a joke after a while.

I fell to some hard times with some family members.  I slipped further into depression.  My family doctor had prescribed more & more antidepressants, one on top of the other.  From January to April he (my Dr) had added one a month, to end it in April with Ambien thrown into the mix.

Jeff had quit his job of 11 years, to work for the Boilermakers.  That was stressful on all of us.  I was in the middle of 9 surgeries and we switched insurances.  But Jeff didn't get insurance right away, like all new jobs, there was a 90 day waiting period... We had to pay for COBRA, and with my 2 brain diseases, it was not cheap. ~STRESSFUL~

In October 2011, I had what IHope was my FINAL Brain Surgery.  Dr Turner in Indianapolis, Indiana was my new Neuro Surgeon.  He was very optimistic to restoring my brain shunt function... He even gave me a programmable CODMAN Brain Shunt so I wouldn't have to endure any more surgeries or spinal taps!  I remember bits and pieces of the long drive to Indianapolis the day of surgery.  I remember bits and pieces of checking into the hospital, and being taken to the pre-op area. That was it for it for exactly 5 weeks.

Memory loss was expected for about 7 to 10 days after surgery.  NO~ I had exactly 5 weeks of complete memory loss after surgery.  During that time I had been admitted into Porter Stark for 5 days, and wanted a divorce from Jeff.  When I got out of Porter Stark I lived with my parents for quite a few days before leaving for Texas. I was in Texas for nearly 2 weeks before "waking up" on Friday November 18, 2011.

My dad had surgery earlier that week, and was not doing well.  Jeff finally got ahold of me and arranged for me to fly home.  I had no drivers license, no ID, no money. I was completely out of my mind to leave Indiana without any ID... I talked to Jeff on the phone for several hours that Friday, about where I was, and what I was doing there.  He told me that my dad was not well, and if I wanted to see him alive, I needed to come home now.  He arranged for me to pick up my ticket at the airport, and to speak to TSA so I could get on the flight with no identification.  That Saturday I flew home.  Jeff took me straight to the hospital to see my dad. During the drive I had mentioned that I couldn't wait to see my dog Shadow.  I had missed him so much.  That he would still love me regardless of my mistakes... We had our dog of 12 years, put to sleep in August 2011. I didn't remember that, and had to relive that all over again. (And that was WEEKS before my brain surgery in October.)

When I first came home~ I again, was living with my mom.  A week had gone by, and Jeff & I finally agreed upon me coming to live at home again.  I have been home ever since.  It has not been easy.  I Love Jeff & Tiffany with all my heart!  I cannot believe all that has happened. I nearly lost my life... I did lose a best friend, sad to say... that is one relationship that will never be mended.

I started seeing a therapist in January. And I am seeing a Psychiatrist in a few weeks.  I'm waiting on an appointment with his office.  Hope to get some answers from him, about my crazy behavior and the memory loss BEFORE the October 2011 surgery. Was it the combination of medications I was taking that had me all screwed up. Or was it something completely different.  We are all very interested to know what the heck happened to me.  Hell~ It happened to me, and I couldn't even begin to tell you what I think happened...

I am very grateful to Jeff & Tiffany for not giving up on me, and for BELIEVING in me...  Believing that there was something more wrong with me, and there surely was.  I'm grateful for the friends who were here for me to lean on despite all that had happened and the lies that were told... The one's who hugged me and said they were glad I was home safely.  Those are TRUE FRIENDS!

To this day I still struggle with my memory, granted it's not as bad as it was in November & December.  But I still have to write things down more frequently and have to refer back to notes, and conversations.  I am on a LONG road to recovery, it has not been easy! I feel like I lost a whole year of my life. I've waited so long to turn 40... LOL, I know~ most people dread that very day... BUT my 30's were just one surgery after another. Almost 20 surgeries in one decade is more than anyone should have to endure... There is more to this story (obviously) but it's not for public knowledge. I made some really bad mistakes, but with a little help from the prescription drugs I was prescribed...

I'm not perfect, never claimed to be... But I do admit to my mistakes! And I am getting the help I need!